On Sunday 3rd January 2021, I lost the love of my life, my precious baby, my boy Avery.
I found out I was pregnant October 2020 (first pregnancy) and I was so happy!
Baby looked healthy at my 9 week dating scan. I started to get excited and plan for our future. We were going to announce our news on Christmas Day as I would be 13 weeks, everything was going perfect!
At 11 weeks and 5 days I went in for my CVS and screening scan (due to my family history of balanced Translocations I was recommended to have one ASAP) baby once again looked healthy and the procedure all went well
The screening midwife called us a few days later, I could tell straight away from her voice it wasn’t good news. Our baby had a unbalanced translocation. He had 3 copies of no 18 (which was T18, Edwards syndrome) and only one copy of no 21 (he should of had 2), our baby would suffer with multiple abnormalities and it was unlikely he would last until full term, if he did he wouldn’t survive much longer once he was born.
He was also found to have a exphologus which meant his bowels were growing outside of his stomach
I was numb and couldn’t process the news I was being given.
I was heartbroken and I broke down. Having to make the decision to end the pregnancy and lose our much wanted baby was hard. Despite knowing we were doing the best thing for our baby, I still struggled with this. It went against all my motherly instincts. Knowing I was still pregnant and carrying our precious boy for the next week was so painful. Every night I would cry holding my stomach wanting him to know I really didn’t want to do this, that I loved him and wanted him.
It was an emotional rollercoaster with appointments, scans and a lot of uncertainty all during COVID. Being told your baby is really poorly is never something I thought I’d have to go through, the loss I feel is overwhelming. The excitement of having a baby was amazing but it was all taken away.
"...I felt like I was the worst mum in the world."
New Year’s Eve came and we went to the hospital, it was so hard to sign the consent form and take the tablet, I felt like I was the worst mum in the world. We returned 2 days later and I was induced at around 12pm. Our baby boy Avery didn’t arrive until around 8am the next day
He was perfect to me and so small, the nurses took his hand and foot prints and I spent some time with him and held him in his tiny Moses basket. It hit me when I arrived home that I had gone into hospital with my baby inside me and I was coming back without him.
Avery, you had 14 weeks and 2 days inside my belly and I cherished every single second. You were so wanted and loved and you were just too beautiful for this earth.
I feel that everyone grieves differently and some of us may want to keep it private but some people want to just say their babies name as it gives a little comfort.
Having to give birth to your baby and then drive home empty handed was never anything I ever imagined I would have to go through and possibly the worst moment of my life.
Somebody said to me that going through a TFMR means that we as parents take on all the pain and heartache so our little ones don’t have to, that brings me some comfort.
I will forever remember Avery and I’ll always want people to say his name because even though he didn’t make it to full term he was still my baby.
I managed to hold you for a little while in my arms and I’ll hold you forever in my heart.
I’ll love you forever, Avery
Thank you to this TFMR Mama for sharing Avery and your experience with us x x
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